Now and Lately
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I sit and write and type tonight. So lost and lonely I feel. Nothing has changed in my life. I thought my trip out west would help me piece out what I want, but its only made somethings worse. Some would say its my period talking tonight cause I get all emotional and have a different track of thinking in the cycle of the month, but its not the period monster talking.. its me!!
In BC I lived so different. So healthy. I felt really alive an somehow in touch with the earth. But I I don't think I want to live there now. I have been drinking a lot since I have been home and feel not much like anything. I got some Ativans in the bedside table and I have been considering going back on them full-time.
Yesterday I ran a red light, speeding along Lakeshore and a cop flashed his cherries at me an pulled up in front of me.. he gave me this lecture of how dangerous the Lakeshore is.. an that I should drive more carefully.. an that I could get slapped with two serious tickets.. Speeding and running a red light.. I just smilled, batting my eyes.. "I am so sorry officer" an nothing.. I got to drive away ticket free. Mom thinks I got off cause he thought I was good looking.. whatever I didn't get the ticket an thats all I care about since I am renewing my insurance in sept.
I miss you! :(
In BC I lived so different. So healthy. I felt really alive an somehow in touch with the earth. But I I don't think I want to live there now. I have been drinking a lot since I have been home and feel not much like anything. I got some Ativans in the bedside table and I have been considering going back on them full-time.
Yesterday I ran a red light, speeding along Lakeshore and a cop flashed his cherries at me an pulled up in front of me.. he gave me this lecture of how dangerous the Lakeshore is.. an that I should drive more carefully.. an that I could get slapped with two serious tickets.. Speeding and running a red light.. I just smilled, batting my eyes.. "I am so sorry officer" an nothing.. I got to drive away ticket free. Mom thinks I got off cause he thought I was good looking.. whatever I didn't get the ticket an thats all I care about since I am renewing my insurance in sept.
I miss you! :(
3 Comments:
You can never be really-alone when you have friends, trust I'm still one of them?
That's not true.. you can feel alone even if you have friends.. the loneliness is just something.. when you're going through something.. and you're the only one at the spot.. at the moment.. and you have your loved ones all around you.. but it's still only you that needs to make these choices and expereincing those feelings.. all on your own. and it's a very lonely feeling indeed. :(((
i'm sorry Carrie.. i wish i could give you some answers, some inspiration, something to look forward to, something.. just anything... but the truth is.. i have no answers about anything myself.. and i have no idea how i even got past those moments in life.. other then.. keep trekkin.. with my chin up.. and clutching all the hope i have left.. tight in my fists.. in hopes that tomorrow will bring a better day.. with even a half answer. <3
*hugs*
I was hoping for the same thing, that my trip out west would help me piece things together, but eventhough Ive only been back for a couple of days, I have that fear and feeling that it hasnt helped with anything
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